I remember the shock of having to go from living in a big one bedroom apartment with my boyfriend at the time, to having to move into a small room without the space to accommodate all that I accumulated over the year I lived with him. After organizing my room a bit, I started to feel more comfortable with the idea of being on my own.
I did a lot of reflecting on the past – remembering how hard it was to get used to living in a one bedroom apartment with my ex. I remember feeling like it wasn’t homey enough – that I had to add paintings, mirrors, photos and all kinds of decorations just to make it feel more welcoming. Towards the end, I could feel this sense of hating where I lived and wanting to leave because of the horrible vent system, elevator problems and such, which I think was this subconscious excuse to get out of my relationship.
I felt like I was imprisoned by a cage of obligation. Relationships are all about compromise and I think I had to compromise a lot of what I valued. I didn’t enjoy that we didn’t share similar tastes in music, that I had to be so cautious of how loud I was doing the dishes, watching tv, listening to music etc. while my ex was sleeping. I didn’t enjoy being alone during the day while he was sleeping because of his overnight shifts. I didn’t enjoy being told that I should only see my family when he was working instead of on his days off because I could be spending that time with him. I felt a build up of resentment throughout our relationship and if it didn’t end when it did, I could honestly see myself or himself becoming infatuated with someone else.
While recovering from my break-up, I read Eat, Pray, Love and the one quote that resonated with me the most and made me cry was:
“It’s all for the best, I know it is. I’m choosing happiness over suffering. I know I am. I’m making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with yet-to-come surprises. I know this all. But still… It’s David. Lost to me now.”
Accepting that the relationship you had with someone you loved and cherished so deeply is coming to an end is sooooo hard. But it’s better to choose happiness than to live a life full of misery and suffering that I felt my relationship was heading towards.
I went through a series of emotional break downs. Some days were better than others but I learned to move on and find other sources of inspiration to fill the void in my heart and soul.