I never thought I’d get into university. Like EVER. I wasted much of my life being an underachiever; a complete and utter slacker. It’s not like I ever thought I would amount to anything. Life seemed pointless and there was no reason to try.
I remember when a friend of mine slept over and I was going through some of my stuff. I had found this old journal I used to write in and couldn’t believe how many times I wrote about wanting to die. I was pretty messed up – or maybe just the definition of your typical adolescent.
Now my half sister (who is ten years younger than me) is going through this phase. I totally understand what she’s going through, even though she has her own unique set of issues. But unlike my sister, I would keep everything bottled up inside and I barely ever gave my parents problems.
My sister on the other hand, she just explodes and fuels the fire of fights and arguments with my parents and I. So family life is not so peaceful. Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong in my OWN family. Is family supposed to be the definition of dysfunctional?
I keep telling myself that, “The joy is not the same without the pain” – that my family is not so bad or that the intense fights and arguments actually make the bond of a relationship stronger but am I just kidding myself?
I want so badly to help my sister but it’s so hard when she’s fueled with resentment towards me because I’m the “favourite” daughter. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not perfect by any means! My sister knows how to push my buttons and I can get really aggressive and abusive towards her if I don’t control myself. It’s just really hard not to take things so personally when it’s with your own family and it’s so hard to try to enlighten my family with the new found knowledge I learned in school.
I guess it’s because of my dysfunctional experiences growing up, that I want to help other depressed, wounded and alienated souls. I just hate the thought that kids should have to suffer.
After so many years of schooling, I am finally able to make my dreams of helping other children and youth overcome the struggles in their lives, come true. I feel like my heart is exploding with feelings of love and empathy for anyone who has ever suffered and I want to help them heal. I finally feel like I’m injecting meaning into the veins of life.
In a way, I feel like The Catcher in the Rye…
“Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around – nobody big, I mean – except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff – I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it’s crazy, but that’s the only thing I’d really like to be.”
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye