I was a tangled yarn of negative thoughts and emotions when you came into my life. You unraveled my pain and knew all my shame. In your arms I escaped my sadness. I felt like the whole world slipped away and we were the only ones in the universe dancing to the rhythm of happiness every time we embraced.
I couldn’t resist smiling every time I looked into your eyes. I thought about how beautiful they were and wanted to memorize every colour, tone and detail of your eyes because to me, they were a work of art that I one day planned to paint.
You too, must have been memorizing every part of me. I could feel it in the way your eyes would follow your hands as they gently caressed my face and the curves of my body. I know the artist in you was etching the image of me in your memory – in your heart – so you’d never forget me.
To me, you are more than just an image. You are a feeling, a sensation that to this day, I can’t forget. I smell you in the cologne other people wear. I see you in the faces and bodies of strangers. I constantly search for you, hoping I will accidentally run into you as a sign that fate has brought us back together.
I miss the way you kissed me – in fluctuation between soft and gentle kisses with strong, passionate ones that always led to intense love making sessions. Your touch made me feel so desired, so loved. I felt so safe and liberated when I was with you that I let your animalistic urges dominate me. I was introduced to a whole new world of pleasure and learned to seduce and dominate you in ways I never thought I could.
My favourite kiss was the one you would give me on my forehead; as if you were trying to kiss away all my negative thoughts and feelings. It was the best remedy for a sad, lonely heart like mine which grew infinitely with these kind and loving gestures.
You were my happiness but a part of what attracted me to you was your own tragedy because it made me feel less alone. I miss the feeling of someone who truly understands my sorrow and knows exactly how to make me smile.
You are the contradiction of my life – the source of my greatest happiness and my greatest pain. I am always filled with mixed emotions every time I hear our friends mention your name. I want you to be happy but it hurts to know that someone else could make you happier than I ever did. I rejoice when I hear about your successes and I can’t explain why I feel like crying when I know you’re in pain.
I lost you, not because I wanted to, but because I had to let you go. You became an anchor of sadness that slowly brought me down – drowning me in your sea of misery. I came up gasping for air in a state of pain and confusion. Sometimes I’d ask myself if I gave up on you – if I gave up on love. I try to reason with myself by saying, “You didn’t give up on love, the one you loved gave up on himself.”
You are the only man I ever loved that I would risk my life for to save yours. I sometimes hate myself for loving you as deeply as I do. It’s the one thing that holds me back from loving someone new.
I accept that we can’t be together but you will always be a part of me – a beautiful ornament of my personality. I know I haven’t lost you because you live on in me and my love for you multiplies every time someone falls in love with me – the part of me that you helped shape.